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How did I become
Somebody Else's Villain?
THE ORIGIN STORY
I was born that way. Not evil. Just destined to play the antagonist in many other stories - as are we all. And while it is so much easier just to blame others for wrongly vilifying us, or worse, blame ourselves and desperately attempt to change our role, I've been learning how to use metacognition in examining the bigger storylines so I can accept and move on from my unintentional villainy.
I have never been very good at people-ing. I used to say it was because I wasn't socialized enough as a small child, but now I just wish that the term "neurodivergent" had been mainstream when I was a kid. I vividly remember in third grade being told by another girl on the playground that I couldn't play with her anymore because I was "ornery." I had to ask my mom what that meant, and she explained it meant "selfish"; I spent the rest of grade school worrying that I was being selfish and trying to act as UN-selfishly as possible. I didn't have any idea what I had done wrong, and I had even less of a clue of what to do "right", but I was obsessed with trying to be less of a villain. I didn't need to be the hero, but I sure hated being the bad guy.
I've noticed this same theme tied to most of my social anxiety since then. As an individual with a lifelong generalized anxiety disorder, I overanalyze, catastrophize, forecast, and end up paralyzing myself with fear, doubt, shame, worry, and guilt. I've long been a people-pleaser, desperate to make others happy, not upset anyone, and gain approval. And in all these efforts to become what OTHERS would see as a "good person", I lost myself entirely. I ended up looking insincere. I became more of a villain than I would have if I'd just done my thing.
But I discovered a way back to myself, a method for letting go of all the fear, doubt, shame, and guilt. I realized that our entire existence is made up of a series of storylines, all happening concurrently, and that stories don't work without drama. Conflict is necessary. Something has to happen, someone has to change. Antagonists are an absolute must.
If each of us individually is destined for growth and change, then we all need antagonists. Sometimes that will be a situation or environmental. Sometimes it will be ourselves. And a lot of the time, it will be other people. Which means logically, we all must play the role of villain in other people's storylines. Statistically speaking, the more storylines you put yourself in, the more frequently you'll play the role of villain. And I sure as hell have lived more storylines than a lot of people.
Maybe if I had developed stronger interpersonal skills as a child, I'd be the hero instead of the villain in more of these storylines. But I am who I am, and all I can do is focus on my own self-improvement, without being so interested in the roles I play in others' stories.
This does NOT mean I should TRY to be a villain, of course. I'm never purposefully antagonizing others and justifying it as "helping" them grow. I may be incompetent at most social norms, but I'm not a narcissist or sociopath.
Recognizing I am inevitably going to play the role of villain from time to time, albeit unintentionally, helps me get outside my own damn head. It's a fascinating place to be, most of the time, but we all need to step outside the lenses and perceptions that create our personal dramas and see the bigger picture of other storylines.
Here are some examples.
THE STORY OF CHOOSING TO BE THE BAD GUY
I stayed in a toxic relationship for much too long because I was afraid of being "the bad guy" whose decision to leave meant my son would grow up with two different households. My social circle at the time was entirely made up of my partner's friends and family, and I had been led to believe they all already hated me (this is a longer story about what I experienced as a manipulative relationship). Once I finally realized that IF they did all hate me anyway, I was likely never going to change their minds, so I might as well accept the role of villain and do what I needed to do for my own mental health. Leaving that relationship was the best decision of my life. And I lost all my "friends" in the process, but what that told me was that they were never really my friends in the first place (truly - they were my partner's friends first - if you ever suspect your partner is intentionally isolating you from your own friends and family, I encourage you to question whether the situation is healthy).
Don't get me wrong, my initial reaction was to scream from the treetops about how my partner was the one at fault, that he was the one to blame for our relationship falling apart (actually, it had never worked well from the start), etc. I spent so much time trying to figure out how to get them all to see it my way, understand my perspective, listen to how much he had hurt ME. When I let go of all those desires - when I realized that I was just doomed to be the bad guy in this storyline - was when I could move forward doing what was best for me and my son. I still believe that it was a controlling relationship in which I was being completely gaslit, but now it no longer matters to me if his friends and family ever understand or believe that. They were always going to believe whatever storyline they wanted to believe. It doesn't matter.
Truly, it doesn't. I've made new friends. I have a much better support system now because I've chosen to surround myself with people who want what is best for me. And surprisingly, I can co-parent with my ex and together we can do what is best for our son, because I no longer care about making ANYONE believe the storylines that are part of my "truth." I do not believe in "speaking my truth" in an effort to persuade others of "what really happened." Instead, I question my perceptions, and even if I still believe my perceived storyline is the most accurate to my experience, I recognize it is uniquely MY truth. It is neither possible nor necessary to try to make it someone else's truth. We each must come to and live our own stories through our individual paths.
THE STORY OF MOVING ON
Another example is leaving a job. I've done this twice now. In both instances, I had worked for 7-8 years to build up a program, improve systems, and create a sustainable and positive working environment in the ways that I thought would be most beneficial to the organization. But as teams grow and change, different perceptions of what was best for the company came and went. With some groups, we'd feel like the "Dream Team" - colleagues and I had shared goals, agreed on a vision for the future, and found enormous satisfaction in our work. At other times, interpersonal dynamics were the complete opposite, and working environments felt borderline hostile. Unfortunately when you are leadership (as I was), it is seen as your responsibility to fix these situations. But what do you do when your new direct reports see the mission of your work as something entirely different? Do you change your own values, missions, goals? Do you try to persuade them to see it your way? I don't know if there is a right answer (to be clear, I RARELY believe there are right answers in general).
Each time I left these jobs, it was both selfish and selfless. Selfishly, I was experiencing such inner turmoil, increased anxiety, stress, burnout, etc., that I knew I had no choice but to leave. I couldn't do the work anymore. I was no longer up to the tasks, especially the leadership aspects. At times I had reverted back to the usual attempts at people-pleasing, trying in desperation to become the manager I thought they wanted me to be, but anytime I compromised myself to do this, they took it even worse. What I eventually had to realize was that the truly selfless act was recognizing I could never be the manager THIS group needed or wanted. I needed to leave so that THEY could grow. I had already been their villain, inciting the incidents that would create their change; now I needed to get the hell out of the way and let them continue on their own paths, whether I agreed with these paths or not. Everyone has to make their own choices, for better or worse - and who gets to say which it is in any circumstance?
HOW STORIES CREATE MY GUIDELINES
Though I disagree with having many answers, I LOVE a good "moral of the story." Taking meaning from questioning my perceptions and experiences gives me guidelines for moving forward. But these guidelines are flexible; they can and should be updated as I take in new information.
What I've "learned" so far is that being somebody else's villain is inevitable, and that the only power I have in the situation is how to react. (Isn't this the moral of a bunch of stories, really???) In some cases, I did something hurtful to another person, and now I have the opportunity to learn from it and hopefully not make the same mistake again. In other situations, the person I'm hurting most is myself, by not questioning my own stories in the first place. What feels the worst, though, is when I obsess over trying to change OTHER people's storylines, particularly when they've made me the villain unjustly. When I can't see how someone could possibly be accusing me of being a villain because I can't understand what I've done wrong, this is the time I hurt the most - which means for me personally it is also the best possible opportunity for some serious growth.
And how I've grown the most is through the development of empathy. Empathy is NOT about "seeing things from someone else's perspective." It is about acknowledging that you CANNOT see it from their perspective, because it is just that -- THEIR perspective.
Their perspective has been affected by the billions of life experiences they have had. It is unique and chaotic and impossible to label as right or wrong. I may have a wickedly wild and strange imagination, but sometimes even I cannot narrate any conceivable storyline to explain why somebody has vilified me. That is because as much as I WANT to expand my thinking, as much as younger me OBSESSED over trying to figure out what I did wrong so I could change myself and do everything "right", I'm still stuck with this little human brain. And it is programmed to make sense of the world through simplified cause-and-effect plotlines and assigning characters based on a limited vocabulary and rigid systems of categorization. I am too human to see how any one person's perspectives have taken shape the way they have - including my own. Claiming I am able to put myself in someone else's shoes is arrogant to the point of also claiming omnipotence.
My main guideline for self-improvement, therefore, is simply to question my storytelling brain. CONSTANTLY. I have to accept it for what it is and not blame myself into shame spirals, but I can also call bullshit on what my brain is telling me thanks in part to biological reasons. Throughout this blog I'll be modeling that process, telling stories and asking questions and showing just how messy and impossible it is to make sense of things by knowing stuff and having answers.
THE LOBSTER STORY
