About Me
What do you mean when you say that you are Somebody Else's Villain?
I acknowledge that although I’m the main character in my own story, everyone else is living their own equally important stories – we are all connected, we are all relevant, and I am just one piece of the puzzle.
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I have not always been the “good guy” in other people’s stories – or even my own! Sometimes I’ve gotten things wrong. Really wrong. Other times I was an accidental or unintentional antagonist. What matters most is that I learn from my actions and work to do better next time. I should do my best to rectify my wrongdoing whenever possible, but sometimes all I can do is learn to do better.
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Antagonists are necessary for growth. I cannot grow unless I am stimulated to do so, and this impetus for growth is discomfort (you know, like how lobsters grow). Therefore, when others do harm to me, I can use it as an opportunity for my own growth. Note that this does NOT excuse their actions. But it does allow me to reframe my own story and move forward productively.
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When I’ve been the antagonist in other people’s stories, hopefully it also offered opportunities for THEIR growth. I cannot know. This does NOT mean I should excuse my own behaviors, either; just because my wrongdoing maybe helped another person experience personal growth does not mean I was justified or should continue to harm others. Duh.
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Sometimes people tell stories in which you are the villain – and the stories are total BS. There truly are people who do not feel empathy the same way we do, and these individuals will lie easily to get what they want. We have all experienced this, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to stop them. If their audience chooses to blindly accept one-sided narratives, they are not your people. Move away from the storyteller and those audience members as quickly as possible and accept that you will always be the bad guy in their minds. It does not matter.
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Our brains rely on storytelling principles to make sense of the universe, for both good and bad. As Somebody Else’s Villain, I am committed to learning more about how my brain works, how it uses stories, and how I can take control of the narrative to become a better person and affect positive change.
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How in the BAWKAWK do you plan to affect positive change with this website??
I share my stories in hopes of making others feel less alone and/or more willing to share their own stories. So many of us are going through similar challenges; we can build a support network if we vocalize our experiences more often. I guess I just want to be a model for change, creating ripples to destigmatize talking about the things that keep so many of us trapped in our worst narratives.
What's the catch? You say you are an "anti-guru", but come on - what are you selling?
I call myself an "anti-guru" because just as there is no one true version of any story, there is not any single "cure" that will universally work for all humans. I am saddened by all the self-help gurus out there claiming that THEIR solution is THE solution. Though I suppose I also pushed pretty hard for all my friends to quit sugar when I thought it was the one answer I'd been looking for all my life. At any rate, now that I know better, I can do better.
There are a gazillion factors contributing to the challenges each of us faces, and there are so many ways to move forward with healing. First and foremost, PLEASE find a licensed therapist who gets you! There should NEVER be shame in turning to therapy! But beyond that, each of us is on our own self-help journey, and I'm sharing my stories so that others can hear about potential options. I'm not certified in anything and claim no expertise; but when individuals with similar experiences share their resources, movement happens. We all have to share what we know, and do it more openly.
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As far as selling anything, I got nothin'. I have no online store. I do not offer any services. There is no fee or subscription to read my blog. I am the worst businessperson ever. But I have a million ideas and maybe one of these days I'll get something going. For example, I'd love to be an antagonist for hire! Just think of it, if you feel stuck in your narrative and can't imagine any way out, you schedule a Zoom meeting with me - an objective outsider with no stakes in your life and no knowledge of your history. I use questions only (rather than my own judgments) to antagonize the BAKAWK out of you until you come to a new narrative on your own! I'd be really good at this. Message me if you're interested. =)
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OK, so who ARE you?
I'm a former Theatre Artist (backstage only) and Educator. I believe Technical Theatre is an amazing tool for teaching people critical thinking, problem-solving, creative thinking, and teamwork. The fact that it requires continuous, applied learning is how I fell in love with it in college (I was randomly assigned to the Scene Shop as my work/study job and never looked back).
Education is my main passion (Theatre is my tool). I am especially interested in what university General Education programs COULD look like. Now that I'm also a mom to a 9-year-old who hates the education system as much as I do (we both love to learn, but see HUGE flaws with the system as it is), I'm also passionate about reforming K-12.
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I'm currently in the bardo. After three years of massive breakdowns and breakthroughs, I've started this website because I desperately want to connect and empower people - including me. If you read my blog, you'll learn all about the factors contributing to my current state: "can't even function in society." Someone said this trying to insult me recently, but I kinda wanted to respond with a Thank You - I mean, have we seen what's happening lately? Joking aside, I've suffered a massive breakdown of my executive functions. My brain used to function like a spreadsheet, and now it's more like a claw machine - inaccurately grasping at things, sometimes holding on for a sec, but mostly just a disappointment. This makes it really difficult to contribute to society in the way it is set up now, unfortunately. But I'll find my own way. I'm not dead yet.
Please feel free to visit my professional website if you'd like to know more: https://moreym.wixsite.com/portfolio2021
Note that it has not been updated since 2021 - I'll add that to the list (and then promptly lose or forget about the list).
Last question - can others proudly wear the title of Somebody Else's Villain?
BAWKAWK, yes! I would love to start a movement! But here's the catch:
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You can't just use it as an excuse. "Oh no, I did something to hurt you? Oh well, I guess I'm just Somebody Else's Villain. Hope you learn and grow from it! You're welcome!"
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If you claim to be Somebody Else's Villain, you better be willing to show how you plan to learn from your wrongdoings, make amends, and do better moving forward (or have already completed these tasks). You have to be willing to show your flaws and failures, not just your shiny, finished product.
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Thinking of OTHERS as Somebody Else's Villain can be a really helpful tool for letting go of your anger. Realizing that maybe they aren't truly evil and didn't intend to cause you whatever harm can be soul-lightening. BUT. Do not gaslight yourself. Examine the facts, look at patterns, and work with your therapist. In particular, study whether your wrongdoer has shown remorse, attempted to make amends, or is interested in self-improvement; if not, they do not qualify as Somebody Else's Villain. They are likely just a villain -- and they need to be held accountable.
Follow-up last question: What is with all the BAWKAWKs?
My son loves chickens, and unfortunately he and I also love swearing. We're both making an effort to swear less by bawking like a chicken instead of using curse words. Enjoy.
