AHAA!

Change and growth and learning and healing often happens with “AHAA!” moments.  You know, those times when a lightbulb clicks on as your brain makes a new connection and you have a fresh understanding that wasn’t there before.  I wonder if there is any way to actively increase the odds of one of these moments happening? 

I see women on several FB groups I belong to reaching out all the time – usually anonymously – looking for advice, guidance, wisdom, or just some sign from the universe helping them decide what to do.  To me, reaching out like this is more about connecting than it is finding “the answer.”  We want to know we aren’t alone; we want someone else to tell us that it’s okay to be struggling with a decision or situation.  Being in that struggle is necessary, but it’s lonely – sharing our stories makes it more bearable. 

One of my favorite stories of an “AHAA!” moment in my own life came from a bike ride with my kiddo.  It was April of 2023, the end of my first year of really struggling (mentally, physically, hormonally - all of it), well before I had any diagnoses and treatments on the horizon.  A teacher at my son’s school led a regular Friday biking excursion from a central location to the school, passing by a bakery where he’d buy them all donuts.  The weather had warmed, and my son was so excited for his first time joining this adventure, but he wanted me to come along just in case. 

The meeting spot was only a mile and change from our house, and the whole route is very flat, so I figured we’d just ride there, do the thing, then I’d help him lock up his bike at school and ride home on my own.  Easy peasy, right?

But when I got dressed that morning, I realized the only clean pants that still fit (I’d gained thirty pounds in one very stressful year) were covered in paint and torn and faded.  I put them on anyway, hoping none of the other parents (who I didn’t know at all) would be weirded out. 

Then I forgot to check our tires.  My kid’s bike was ok-ish, but my tires were nearly flat.  I rode them anyway, since it was too late.

By the time we got to the meeting spot, I thought I might die.  I didn’t realize how much different it was to ride a bike with an extra thirty pounds.  And I’d completely forgotten how to shift gears properly.  I was a sweaty, cranky mess, and when I pulled up huffing and puffing and looking like I dug my clothes out of the dumpster, shame hit me real hard.

We took off as a group, with me in the rear the whole way.  I barely made it to the bakery without giving up, and now I can’t even remember the ride from there to the school.  All I remember is walking my bike home after my son went inside, openly sobbing the whole way home.

How was this my life?  I had let myself get so out of shape that I couldn’t even ride a bike a few miles.  I hadn’t left space in my life for basic grooming, let alone self-care, and now I was embarrassed about everything I had become. 

This was my wake-up call.  I needed to make a serious change if I was going to lead a life I was proud to have chosen. 

I want to be clear here that I was not blaming my job – yes, I was working WAY too much (for very specific circumstances beyond anyone’s control), but it wasn’t just that.  And for once I wasn’t even just turning the blame back on myself entirely.  It was more like I was hit with a realization that regardless of how I got there, this was not the life I wanted.  I needed to make some changes.  I took the rest of the day off from work and dealt with the “AHAA!” moment; I wanted to quit my job.

It still took a few months before I finally pulled the plug and committed to leaving, but I will always remember that day as the first time it hit me that I was making this choice.  I didn’t seek any advice from others, I didn’t turn to FB groups, I just knew.  It was time.

But I’m not saying you SHOULDN’T seek advice or use FB groups – it was more that I had already been doing that - turning to others for advice - and nothing flipped the switch until I had to walk my bike home while mourning the state of my life.  I think my years of self-help exploration had already planted seeds leading me to this decision and gearing me up (pun intended) to being open to a radical shift.  The reaching out and connecting with others (whether directly or through reading) primed me to be ready when the time came.

It also helped, in my opinion, that I have a very strong opinion of what constitutes failure.  I have always been an experimenter, which means I’ve inevitably encountered a BAKAWK-ton of failure.  Once I tried making my own shoes and then wore them to an outdoor concert.  I think I threw them in a trash can within an hour and continued the evening barefoot.  But that wasn’t a failure; to me, failure would have been continuing to wear the shoes even as they hurt my feet and fell apart, just to make a point or avoid admitting I did a bad job.  When I hit a point where I know something is no longer working, only staying the course would be a failure.

Staying at my job would have been a personal failure for me.  It wasn’t a toxic environment or anything like that, and working there brought me some of the most meaningful experiences and relationships of my life.  I wasn’t leaving because it was bad; it was just time for something else good.  And I may still be in the bardo figuring out what’s next, but I have no regrets and no doubt that I made the right decision.

So to everyone struggling with a decision – whether to leave a job or a partner or a family member who is toxic for you – keep priming yourself by reaching out to others.  Ask everyone to share their stories, and then take them all in.  Maybe random strangers aren’t going to give you the best advice specific to YOU, but what they say might prime you to arrive at the best decision for you when the time comes.  Consider every possibility and stay as open as possible, so that when an experience IS just right, it will provide you the “AHAA!” moment you need.