The Way the World Works...?

Some days I need a nap.

Not like, “Gee, a nap sounds heavenly.” 

More like, “I NEED A NAP OR I WILL CEASE TO EXIST.”

I didn’t used to be this way, but now I am.  At first, I thought it was all just the burnout, stress, and anxiety.  Then once I found out about perimenopause, I assumed it was all from that.  This was disappointing, as I probably have 10-15 years left of perimenopause.  But then after my C-PTSD diagnosis and undergoing EMDR, my energy levels have been improving so drastically that I no longer need a nap 5 days a week.

But nothing is ever that simple, and I still hit points 1-2 times a month or so (hormonal, maybe?) where a nap is crucial to prevent imminent collapse and possible spontaneous combustion.  I seriously do not know how to explain it better than that.  Despite being highly sensitive to caffeine, there are days when I try to power through with several extra cups of coffee (or espresso…) and I STILL have to give up and go to bed for an hour.  It is the weirdest BAKAWK ever. 

Old me would have blamed myself, then pushed through and called this “grit.”  This makes me wonder a lot about the differences and overlaps in our ideas of grit and shame. 

New me has radically accepted that this is how I function now, and I’m doing what I think is the right thing by listening to my body.  It is telling me that rest is REQUIRED. Not just recommended.

But I also have the luxury (for the time being) of being able to rest when my body demands it.  I’m still in the bardo, transitioning from the past few years of triage and survival into whatever chapter comes next.  What would I be doing if I were still working full-time at my old job? 

I think back at how much I didn’t “get” back then.  Having dealt with anxiety my entire life, I assumed I understood what other people were going through when their mental health suffered.  I thought of myself as compassionate, and I tried my best to adapt expectations for any student or colleague who needed something different.  But at the end of the day, theatre is still “art on a deadline”, and at some point, you have to pull it together and power through.  Right? 

I always thought of it this way – somebody could never be hired as an ER doctor if they fainted at the sight of blood.  You have to know what you are getting into when you choose a career path, and if you physically or mentally cannot meet the demands of the job, ethically you should feel obligated to redirect your efforts elsewhere.  In theatre, each person plays a vital role in supporting the production, so if your health (mental or physical) impedes you from reliably fulfilling your responsibilities, the best thing you can do – for yourself AND the whole team – is to quit.  That’s what I ended up doing, and I am still confident I made the right choice.

But for me it was pretty drastic.  It wasn’t like I was just having a bad mental health day here and there.  I was crying in my car each morning, getting stomach aches anytime I went near campus, and suffering from such bad nightmares and insomnia that I couldn’t possibly deal with my mental or physical health during waking hours, let alone fulfill my work responsibilities adequately. 

My department – the BEST I’ve ever encountered – was as supportive as anyone could have been, offering flexibility, additional support, and true friendship.  This was no surprise, as we worked in a culture of supporting each other and our students holistically however we could.  If someone had an emergency or could not fulfill their duties, we always found another way to make it work. 

Here’s what I’m trying to figure out, though.  How does anyone know where the balance is between powering through and bowing out? 

When do we need to tell ourselves (or others) to “suck it up, buttercup” versus give ourselves the compassion to rest?  Or even quit?

Was I doing myself a favor by pushing through for so long before I finally hit my ultimate breaking point? 

Should I have been listening to my body more, instead of insisting on making myself fit into one of the many structures designed for productivity at all costs? 

What if we could listen to the seasons of our bodies instead of conforming to the calendars of society?

I hear a lot that “this is the way the world works.”  I’ve said it myself.  I still partially believe that we all have to learn how to manage ourselves while still adapting to the needs of society.  But at what point are we taking this too far?

Us individuals going through perimenopause, for example, must adjust to a whole new way of existing, with ZERO support from society to modify our schedules, workloads, and expectations.  While some of us may be lucky enough to have substantial support from INDIVIDUALS in our work environments, the systems we live in are so rigid that even minor flexibility is often impossible. 

And it’s everywhere, not just affecting the perimenopausal.  I had students whose lives were in upheaval due to illness in their families, yet they had to keep meeting expectations across academia in order to maintain their financial aid.  I’m sure there are countless other stories you readers could share (please do!) of where you had no other choice but to “suck it up” and “power through” because “that’s the way the world works,” even if it was detrimental to your health.

They say stress is good for you, but that’s only if it is in small amounts, not prolonged/repeated too frequently, and only experienced when you ALSO have a strong support system to help you feel safe as you undergo the stress.  If your support system is also part of what is stressing you out, this stress is not going to develop into grit.  It is going to have long-lasting negative effects on your mental and physical health.

But what else do you do?  If you don’t have the luxury of taking time off to heal and recover and rebuild, what other choice do you have than to suck it up?

As a naively optimistic storyteller, I like to imagine alternate universes in which society is set up with maximum flexibility to allow each individual to truly listen to their bodies and minds.  I picture early education including teaching habits of self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-exploration, so that each person can determine for themselves what they need and what they can offer.  I wonder what it would be like to grow up in a world where you feel confident that you will always be safe and supported as long as you listen to your inner voice and commit to personal growth for the betterment of all.  If we gave people the freedom and flexibility to fulfill their potential – but along the timelines and schedules of their own unique needs – would they thrive?  Or just take advantage?

Swift kicks in the behind would have to be part of the process.  I know they worked for me.  I still remember my high school French teacher calling me out on my BS senior year, and rightfully so.  Everyone should be so lucky as to have caring adults honestly assessing them and holding them accountable, rather than enabling their bad behaviors in the guise of protecting them from harm. 

Would some people continue to game the system and do as minimal as possible, though, just because they could?  We are animals, after all, and survival is always going to be our goal; would the default still be “path of least resistance” in order to conserve energy? 

On the other hand, if you didn’t feel beholden to a system rigged against you from the start, would your motivations in life change?  (If you feel like trying is useless, why try?)

What makes some of us so willing to run ourselves into the ground, give everything we have, and power through at the cost of our mental and physical health?  Is it grit?  Is it a sense of obligation to “get with the program?”  Is it shame, as we try to make ourselves fit into “the way the world works?” Is it naive optimism that trying has a point and will make a difference?

Would selfishly surviving instead, by expending as little energy as possible, be an evolutionary advantage?  Should we all just try a little less?

Are those of us committed to a life serving the greater good of the human species simply on a path of self-destruction? 

Or could we truly reimagine our society so that when we need accommodations, we can actually get them – without it taking 14 months and unwieldy processes and endless paperwork?

Does it have to be this way because otherwise people would take advantage, or do people take advantage because we are saying it has to be this way?

I don’t know if any of this makes sense.  Maybe today is a nap day.