EMDR – Entering My Desired Reality

 Ok, the title is my own creation.  Really, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  I am not a therapist and have zero credentials, expertise, or training, so I won’t go into any details about how it works and why.  From what I understand, the woman who devised this method in the late 1980s discovered that repeatedly moving her eyes right then left helped her cope with distressing thoughts.  Now therapists use it in a variety of formats to help individuals essentially reset their nervous system when traditional therapy is not doing enough. 

Here's my experience with EMDR.  I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will – please remember that my experience is personal to me only and should not be taken as typical results or any sort of promise that it will work for you.  I get so frustrated when trying to share experiences on FB groups and find that everyone wants to tell you shouldn’t even bother to tell your story lest you accidentally convince someone to believe that whatever you did will be their magic cure.  Has it really come to this?  Do we need disclaimers just to talk? 

Anyway.  Here’s how things unfolded for me.  Contact your own therapist if you want data, metrics, science, and dispensation.  Hit me up if you just want to compare notes or ask about one human’s experience.

I started traditional talk therapy back in January (though I’ve been in therapy for periods of time going back over 20 years).  I was truly lucky to feel an actual rapport with my therapist (who I will refer to as R) right from the start.  She followed the bouncing ball that was my head, interjected as needed, and redirected frequently.  She challenged my automatic thinking, and since I was already familiar with CBT, we could jump right in with tackling many issues.  R is brilliant and supportive and direct.  We play no games and have no BS.  I feel like I can talk through ALL my crazy with her, no problem.

The main thing R recognized right away was that I was trying to skip steps, jump to the finish line.  She could tell that I am a quick learner who assumed I could think my way out of all the messes happening in my mind and body (guilty), so she helped me devise plans to take things slowly.  One step at a time.  Practice self-compassion and self-care.  And most of all, she was the one who really helped me stop fighting the bardo I’ve been living in as I transition from a badass professor multitasking out the wazoo to a rusty claw machine grabbing haphazardly at thoughts and tasks (but nearly always failing).  Using radical acceptance, I’ve come to enjoy this new lifestyle free from worries (because I can’t remember what I’m supposed to be worrying about…).  I’ve stopped “should-ing” all over myself and have relaxed into the new phase of my life.

But despite all the amazing work I did with R, my anxiety was still completely off the charts.  I’ve had Generalized Anxiety Disorder my whole life, so it’s not like I can’t deal with anxiety; since the fall of 2022, though, my baseline had become about 2 seconds to midnight. 

Three months into therapy, I couldn’t understand why my anxiety had not improved much, if any.  And then it got worse.  A situation with a specific person in my life sent me into panic-attack spirals for days on end.  I was back to the fetal position in my bed, watching Disney movies in small chunks (I couldn’t even focus on a single one for long).  I hadn’t talked about this person to R much before this, always just saying vague things like “it’s totally fine, we’re cool”, but the triggering situation brought up memories I thought I’d neatly shoved in a dark hole in the back of my closet. 

Suddenly, I realized it was all related.  Talk therapy led me to understand that the big theme keeping me stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode was a feeling of being trapped and blaming myself for not being able to do enough.  In the fall of 2022, I suddenly felt trapped by deadlines and obligations in my job, and I was constantly worried that I’d be letting people down.  (And no, it wasn’t as simple as asking for help, I was doing that and receiving lots of help.  Long story.  Another blog post later, maybe.)

What happened in April reignited all this panic I’d been feeling on and off for around 15 years.  And it was like, “Holy BAKAWK, I am NOT fine.  This is NOT cool.” 

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, which is similar to PTSD, but consists of ongoing “minor” trauma rather than one big Trauma such as a bomb going off or a car accident.

EMDR is often used to treat people with both C-PTSD and PTSD, so R and I decided I should give it a whirl.  Please note that you must have strong coping skills already in place prior to EMDR therapy; had I not been doing months of extensive work with R, I would not have been in a place where it would have been recommended.

So, long story short, I did four sessions of EMDR with another therapist, who I’ll call T.  She spent about half of the first session just talking to me about what was going on and what I hoped to achieve.  Because T and R work in the same office and I granted them permission to talk about everything related to me (I mean, they could just look at my FB if they want to read all about it…), it sped things up considerably.  T already knew a lot about my story, and we were able to dig in with some goals.

Basically, I decided that I wanted to feel less afraid and trapped.  I described to T a recent instance in which I was meditating and trying to picture my happy place – the beach.  Suddenly, a GIANT image of the person triggering me entered my mind and BLOCKED MY SUN.  I kid you not.  I could not write a more clichéd scene for a movie if I tried.  Anyway, I wanted to be free from feeling so trapped by this person.  Cognitively I knew that he held no power over me any longer, but my body was still terrified and reliving the past moments in which I felt both emotionally and physically trapped - not in chains or anything, but he did block doorways to prevent me from taking breaks from arguments. 

T gave me two little egg-shaped devices, warm off the charger.  I held one in each hand and closed my eyes.  She asked me to think about how I was feeling, then started the buzzers, which were linked to her phone to control.  They buzzed pleasantly, first the left then the right, moving quickly back and forth.  The speed is adjustable, but it didn’t take us long to find one I just thought felt “right.”

That’s the thing about EMDR, though, I never had any idea if I was doing ANY of it “right.”  While the buzzers were going, I simply sat there picturing and thinking whatever came to mind.  They would stop, and T would ask me what I noticed.  I’d talk, then she would pick something from what I said and ask me to continue with that thought.  And it went like this for the rest of the session.

I don’t remember what came up during which session, but my thoughts often went back to feelings of shame, fear, and guilt.  I cried a lot.  I blamed myself a lot for past situations in which I felt like I “should have seen the signs.”  But ultimately, I talked myself into a ton of realizations about what I truly feel “should” have been right – i.e., I was able to see that the problems weren’t all just me.

I also felt some weird stuff physically.  After a while, my body would feel kind of floaty and large, like it was being inflated, but not in a painful way.  More like my insides were expanding past my skin.  I hoped for astral travel, but alas, no such luck.  I also noticed that my eyes would start moving in time with the buzzers, always to the same side as was buzzing.  That was pretty interesting.  Overall, nothing was scary or too much, it was more just fascinating to experience and wonder what the BAKAWK was going on.

After the first session, I didn’t notice any difference.  If anything, I just felt more agitated and anxious.  But after the 2^nd and 3^rd sessions, I started to see HUGE differences in my ability to handle stressors and triggers.  I had a breast MRI come back positive for a suspicious mass, and after the initial “I think I’m going to throw up,” I was fine.  Like, totally calm.  I kept waiting to see if I was going to freak out, assuming I was just in shock, but weeks passed, and I barely even thought about it.  I had to wait almost 4 weeks for the biopsy to be completed (it was negative) and I lived in awe of myself for being totally chill the whole time.

Is this how it feels to be normal?  Do people just not worry until there’s something to worry about?  This is amazing!

In my 4^th session, I felt like I was done.  I literally thought and felt the phrase, “I’m through it.”  I sobbed.  Truly sobbed.  Oh lordy, I’m on the verge of sobbing again now just writing this. 

The idea of being “through it” was SO powerful.  It didn’t mean I was “cured” or “healed” or “fixed”, it just meant I was through to the other side of what had been happening.  I left that session knowing I probably didn’t need to go back.  For now, at least.  There’s other stuff to unpack later, but it can wait.

Since completing these four sessions, I still have anxiety, but it is miraculously different.  It is “normal” anxiety.  I feel totally confident I can handle it.  I no longer need to hide from it, escape from it, or numb it.  When I feel anxiety coming on, I just say “Well, hello there” and then decide what I’m going to do with it.  Sometimes I sit with it for a while, sometimes I dive into cleaning or working on house projects, essentially putting it to good use.  If it feels overwhelming, I watch my favorite EFT Tapping Video (again, disclaimer – I’m not recommending this, I’m just saying I BAKAWKING love this video and it totally works for me). 

I still get triggered by the same old BAKAWK, but my ability to deal with the triggers has changed dramatically.  I no longer feel trapped or afraid.  I feel confident.  Not “in control” necessarily (I’m a Chaos Muppet, control does not interest me), but I’ve gone back to knowing I can handle what comes next.  And what’s truly amazing is that my strength seems to be improving exponentially each time a new trigger occurs – I’m so fired up I’ll have all my remaining house projects done in no time! 

EMDR helped me reclaim my power.  I feel like my badass self again.  I saw a FB meme the other day that says “I am simultaneously in the softest and most ruthless era I’ve ever been in.”  And that’s me.  Watch out, world - I’m back.