What Works for ME (and What DOESN'T...)

The other day a friend sent me a link to the Shakira song from Zootopia: “Try Everything”.  I LOVE this song.  I already did, but it was nice to have the reminder.

I am definitely somebody who will try most anything that I think might be helpful.  Not stuff like hard drugs, thank goodness; I never felt that would improve my situation. But I have no shame in considering all possibilities, like maybe I’m a lightworker and that explains all my weirdness.  Does it hurt anyone if I choose to believe this?  It’s like believing in Bigfoot – does it make any difference to the rest of the world if I am or am not a believer?  (I am, by the way.)

I feel like I was a pretty typical supporter of only western medicine up through my early 30s.  My journey into self-help and exploring alternative medicine came from desperation, after suffering the results of a truly crazy autoimmune disease during pregnancy and the subsequent effects of going on – then off – steroids.  When I was six months pregnant, I developed a rash.  It started at my ankles, worked its way up my legs, and eventually covered my butt, back, and upper arms.  It looked like hives.  At first, they thought it was PUPPS, but no typical creams brought any relief, and it never touched my abdomen.  Eventually one doctor diagnosed it as Pemphigoid Gestationis, which like all autoimmune diseases, meant my body was fighting itself.  The only known treatment was prednisone.

I was only on 40mg, and only for 6 months (including 4 months postpartum), but that was enough to cause pretty bad side effects.  Snoring, weight gain, and insane craving for sugar.  So I decided to taper off 10mg a week for a month.  At first it was fine, but then came the joint pain.  For three months, I could barely walk from the pain.  The Rheumatologist kept checking me for other autoimmune problems, and even though I had read somewhere that tapering off of steroids could cause joint pain, I was told that it couldn’t be it.  Then came a year of severe sinus infections, which I also read could be attributed to steroid withdrawal.

Long story short, I decided maybe western medicine wasn’t perfect at everything and have spent the past decade trying everything ELSE - in addition to western medicine.

I’m just one person, I have no training or expertise or credentials, and I am not suggesting any of this will help anyone heal themselves.  What I AM saying is that you don’t know what you don’t know, so if you can hear more about all the things that are out there, maybe you (with the help of your support team of medical professionals) can find new things to help you on your healing journey.  So in this case, don’t “try everything,” but instead – “find out about everything.”

Some Stuff I’ve Tried That Works for ME:

·       EFT Tapping, particularly for anger and anxiety.  This guy is my favorite: A Simple Way to Help Process Anxiety - Tapping with Brad Yates

·       EMDR – holy buckets, I wish everyone knew about this.  Check out more from me here or from the experts here.  It is an amazing tool for resetting your nervous system if you suspect you are stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn/etc.

·       Sugar-Free/Keto – I started this casually for weight management, and while it did have some positive effects there, it was even more effective for helping with insomnia and anxiety.  The problem is that it is really hard to maintain when you are working insane hours and don’t have time to meal plan, shop, prep, cook, clean, etc.  And plus, the more your body feels stressed, the more it is going to crave comfort foods, too. 

·       Meditation, Yoga, Somatic Yoga, Qigong.  Guided or unguided.  Seriously, there are so many resources available, just explore and try whatever seems interesting to you (pending approval by your medical team, of course).  I really like anything involving art therapy or breathwork, personally.

·       TRE: Tension and Trauma Release Exercises – this one is controversial, so I will state right away that some individuals find this to be DANGEROUS.  I did not.  Someone shared a video with me of TRE and I decided of my own free will to give it a try, and found it EXTREMELY helpful.  BUT I have heard from others that attempting this without a therapist can unleash all sorts of pent-up trauma in very scary ways – and that does indeed sound TERRIFIYING.  So DO NOT attempt this based on my experience.  Talk to your therapist and medical team about the potential risks and benefits before you even start looking at how and where to practice it. Here is a short video explaining what it is: What is TRE?

·       Vitamin D…is it working?  I have no idea. But obviously everyone says to take it, and I don’t get enough sunlight, so why not.

·       Floating in the pool.  Sitting in the hot tub and steam room and sauna.  I’m a water person.

·       A weighted blanket.  Love it.  And stuffed animals.  No shame. 

·       Venlafaxine, an SNRI.  I tried the SSRIs before (Lexapro, Zoloft), but those had negative effects.  Lexapro made me angry.  Zoloft made me more depressed.  But the Venlafaxine seems to be helping!  Though I did start it at the same time as hormone balancing, so who knows what is doing what.  I do know the hormones make a HUGE difference now that I can track the effects through a month, but I’m not going to stop the Venlafaxine anytime soon just to see what happens.  I feel good.  I’m sticking with it.  Anyway, I hear that if you don’t respond well to SSRIs, it can help to consider SNRIs.  At least 4 different doctors did NOT tell me this until one finally did.

·       Hydroxyzine.  I take 20mg to fall asleep at night.  I can’t take any during the day, as I’m super sensitive to it and it makes me very sleepy.  But it is something prescribed safely for anxiety and many people say they can take it daily with no ill effect.  Again, talk to your doctor.  I’m just putting things out there because you don’t know what you don’t know. 

·       Podcasts, books, audiobooks, etc.  I will devour anything I can on a topic that has my interest.  My latest favorite podcast is “The One You Feed.”

Stuff that I had to QUIT trying to make work:

·       Assuming other people had answers for me, including self-help gurus, certain acquaintances, and even medical professionals.  I am terribly naïve and trusting. Apparently, trauma can also make you constantly on the lookout for a “hero” to save you or provide the ultimate guidance.  This has caused me all sorts of problems (thank goodness I’ve never fallen in with a cult…or have I?).  Now I take everything with a grain of salt, even from experienced doctors.  But also, not believing ANYTHING creates cognitive dissonance; so I try to work on taking my time to evaluate what I learn from others, then update my mental schemas using critical thinking.  Hmm.  If only we taught this process in schools. 

·       But also, I can’t always “think my way out of it.”  It isn’t always “mind over matter.”  You cannot just “choose to be happy.”  While I absolutely agree that a little gratitude each day helps me significantly, it is NOT enough to “cure” all my problems.  There are physiological aspects in play with mental health, addiction, trauma responses, etc.  Believing all the hype about the “power of positive thinking” just sends you into a shame spiral when it isn’t enough to work for you.  For too long, I’ve blamed myself for not being able to get a handle on whatever it was that was causing me so many problems.  But there were so many pieces to the puzzle I couldn’t see (and still don’t, I’m sure) and no amount of cognitive effort was ever going to “fix” me.

·       Structure, routine, etc.  I think so many people – especially women – are told that they are “Type A” or “control freaks.”  I bet some of them are.  But I am not, and I think it is quite likely that this is a misunderstood stereotype.  I’ve heard many self-help gurus say that all anxiety and fear is about a need for control.  For me, it’s the exact opposite.  I don’t want control over my life, I just want AGENCY in how I live my life.  I adore traveling, exploring, experimenting.  I CRAVE spontaneous moments and unexpected challenges.  All I desire in life is the freedom to let my chaotic creativity follow its whims on its own schedules; when I feel controlled by people or systems or expectations, THAT’S when I get anxious and fearful and trapped.  So, trying to improve my mental health through rigid bedtime habits and strict routines only made things much, much worse.  Instead, I now set broad goals for systems I want to implement.  For example, instead of saying I’ll have a specific house project done by a certain date, I set a broad goal to work generally on house-related projects for 2-3 hours each day.  Then I can work on whatever project sparks an interest that day (there’s a never-ending list anyway) and make progress without feeling so bogged down by “shoulds” and “musts”.  I plan on doing some additional research on the importance of structures and routine in daily life - I have a sinking suspicion a lot of it is not as true as naive-me would have believed.

·       The dark side of empathy is that having compassion towards others sometimes leads to shaming and blaming myself.   I finally had to ask a dear friend to stop suggesting I be more compassionate towards individuals who had hurt me, because in my mind, it was saying that they deserved compassion while I did not.  Trying to ALWAYS see things from another person’s perspective can also lead to invalidating my own perspective.  That was already part of my problem; I didn’t need more of that, I needed more grace with myself for accepting my perspective for what it is – true to me.  If others want to tell me my perspective is wrong, that’s their right.  But I have a right not to listen; my empathy told me otherwise for way too long (as in, I felt GUILTY if I DIDN’T place higher value on others’ perspectives above my own) and now I know better and can do better. 

·       Hoping for others to see it from my perspective.  Just stop.  If this is you, you know what I mean, and they won’t.  It’s almost impossible to change someone’s minds with “facts”, so the more you try to tell them your side of the story, the “crazier” you look.  It sucks and it’s so hard to lose people in your life, but if they have cast you as the villain in somebody’s story, walk away.  That role is not one you have to actively play.

·       Gardening is just NOT my thing.  I know that being connected to the earth is supposed to help, but I just hate gardening.  I mean, I like it for about 3 hours a year.  Then I get sick of it, annoyed by all the bugs and/or the humidity, and resolve to soak my entire property in rock salt to kill everything.  I LOVE to be outside, but all the advice about gardening just makes me feel bad about myself when I hate it and can only grow a few mini tomatoes.  Not cherry tomatoes or grape tomatoes; beef steak tomatoes in miniature size. 

The ONLY actual ADVICE I have for you:

CONNECTIONS AND SUPPORT ARE VITAL.  You need to get outside your own head.  You MUST have a support team, even if some of those people only fill partial roles.  It is absolutely necessary to have both friends and professionals you can talk to and turn to when you need something.  The other day I texted a friend just to see if she was available for a hug (she was, and then of course she also helped me reframe so many problems in my life and generally turn around the nihilistic attitude I’d been experiencing lately). 

But where do you start?  It’s really hard for someone in their 30s or older to just randomly approach someone and say “Hi, do you want to be friends?”  Or is it?  Don’t we all just wish someone else would be the first to start? 

If that’s not an option you’ll consider, then here’s where you TRY EVERYTHING.  Join a book club.  Go on Meetup.  Start chatting up strangers at bookstores and coffee shops or wherever you like to hang out.  Talk to a neighbor who seems cool.  If you have kids, talk to their friends’ parents.  JUST TRY IT ALL. 

I used to be really bad about that, until I read Freakonomics and started thinking about statistics.  I figured if I reached out to 5 new people, at least 2 of them would probably respond, and maybe 1 of them would become a casual friend.  If I did that every few months, maybe I’d find a few good friends within a few years.  What’s the worst that can happen – you ask someone to hang out and they ignore you?  Oh well, you won’t die.  I tried it, so I know for sure.  =)  And the more I’ve practiced, the easier it has become.

I have an incredible support team now, and I am certain that it is what is helping me get through all the messes life throws at me.  I have amazing friends who provide moral support, advice, a shoulder to cry on, good hugs, distraction, insight, and joy.  I have a regular therapist and an EMDR therapist, a resident PCP, and an OBGYN who I all adore.  I have a network of sober friends who provide an absolute wealth of knowledge and support in pretty much any facet of life you can imagine. 

The more people I meet, the more I realize my stories are not just mine.  We are living all these shared experiences; let’s work on going through them together.